Yesterday was competition day. It was the first WOD in a 6 week process to qualify for Canada West Regionals. Throughout the day my mind overflowed with new ideas I wanted to share with everyone. Then today was a somewhat perfect day (a 5k run and brunch with friends) that once again left me with SO MANY thoughts swirling around. However, I have narrowed all my ideas down to one thing to share for today. I want to talk about jeans, strong vs. skinny, and body image in general.
I am sure I have spoken with many of you about my struggle with body image. This takes a lot to admit but on occasion I find myself looking longingly at pictures of bikini models. There are so many other female crossfitters that have written about exactly what I am about to write about but it never hurts to add to the discussion.
A little background information: I was always 'skinny fat.' I ran a lot, counted calories, and drove my husband nuts with my scale obsession(well, that part probably still hasn't changed). Looking back I realize that while I could fit into a size0 I couldn't lift more than a 5# dumbbell. Around that time I started CrossFit which brings me to where I am now.
The other day I sat down on my bed after trying desperately to squeeze my legs into my jeans. I knew it was a moment that had been bound to happen eventually(I have read about it and I have been told about it) but it was something I had secretly been dreading. My initial reaction was to lock myself in my bedroom until I could fit back into them(ridiculous, I know). Then, I focused my thoughts on the things I can do now with my legs that I couldn't before. So, I am going to attempt to enjoy the experience of having to get my jeans tailored (smaller waist, bigger legs!) instead of fear it. After all, when you put on a pair of jeans you should feel fabulous not flawed.
You see, CrossFit has changed me drastically. Physically, I am no longer 'skinny fat' and when I catch glimpses of myself in the mirror I smile when I see the outline of muscles I've never seen before. Mentally, my idea of what makes a woman attractive has also changed for the most part(like I said, I still look at pictures of bikini models occasionally). I often think about my old fitness goals: to stay a size0, get rid of my 'belly fat,' and 'tone' my muscles. Then I compare them to my new goals: to back-squat more, get a faster Fran time, and learn how to do a free-standing handstand push-up. While my old goals sometimes come creeping back(mostly when I flip through a magazine) I am lucky to have women in my life who have been there and understand as well as a husband who loves the way I look.
What are your goals? What do you find attractive? Has CrossFit changed you?
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